Psychology Fear of Getting Hurt Again

Fifty-fifty when it is unintended, some people find it intolerable to hurt someone they dear. To experience hurting the other can create shame, guilt and strong "I am a bad person" feelings. As a event, nosotros may avoid saying what is on our mind and put aside our ain feelings and needs. This inhibiting of the self can be harmful to our relationships and can create the conditions for developing anxiety and depression.

Marlene, a 27 yr old married woman, came into my therapy office feeling broken-hearted and depressed. She described how unhappy she was in her marriage to Ben. She told me she loved her husband but was feeling similar she was in a direct jacket. If she expressed a demand that conflicted with his wishes, his feelings would get injure. She couldn't tell him that she didn't want to play tennis with him every weekend or that she was tired of going out every Friday night with his friends from piece of work. She explained to me that when she told him these things, he told her that she made him feel unimportant, criticized and pushed away. She felt ashamed that she was the cause of his feeling then terrible. She would repent to him and try to keep her feelings to herself, merely then she would assail herself and feel similar a bad person. She was shutting herself downwards and feeling depressed. She also reported that when she was aware of a need that she felt she shouldn't express to Ben, she would become broken-hearted for fearfulness that she couldn't contain herself.

What Marlene described to me suggested that she had issues she needed to work on every bit an individual and that as nosotros did this she would be more able to address the difficulties in her relationship with Ben.

While Ben might be particularly subject to feeling injure or slighted, Marlene's inability to tolerate pain Ben and talk with him nearly these issues, made the relationship difficult. Information technology as well became credible as I spoke with Marlene that she suffered in all of her relationships by worrying how she was impacting on anybody. She had never considered that we all hurt people, even those we love, unintentionally. She didn't understand that it is impossible to be in a human relationship without pain those we dear. When I suggested this to her, it didn't make sense.  How could she possibly deport watching Ben be so hurt? She would have to give him what he wanted.

Equally Marlene and I talked, I wondered what made it so painful for Marlene to consider that something she said or did had the unintended consequences of hurting someone she cared near. I asked Marlene how she thought she got the idea that it was totally unacceptable to injure someone she loved. We as well explored Marlene'due south idea that when someone feels hurt they are horribly harmed. Marlene thought my questions were strange. How could it not be painful to see someone y'all beloved hurting because of y'all? How could you not experience like a very bad person? Of course injure causes terrible impairment. I replied that it was appropriate to feel sorry or sorry that you had been the cause of someone'southward hurt, only that it didn't have to make you experience like such a bad person. I said that yous tin't always exist certain how the hurt is affecting someone unless you are told or ask.  Each injure is unlike. I said that these experiences could be talked most and the other person might be able to listen and understand the intent. I added that this was something she could work on with Ben.

Marlene considered my ideas with some skepticism. She remembered how her mother would go and then injure when she was little. She had one memory where her female parent started to cry and tell her how hurt she was when Marlene didn't like the dress she was given for her sixth birthday. She recalled how her mother told her how much Marlene hurt her feelings and how could Marlene not capeesh all the time and money her mother had spent to pick out such a perfect dress. Marlene remembered how scared she was when her mother was and so distraught and how much shame she felt to have washed such damage to brand her mother feel that manner.

Over the many months that Marlene and I continued to talk in therapy, she began to make connections between how her mother, on many occasions would be hurt if Marlene didn't have the "right" response. She became clearer that she would do anything to ensure that she was not the cause of her mother's distress. In fact, Marlene had given herself the task of making her mother happy. As Marlene became aware of this, she likewise began to realize that with her strong demand to proceed her female parent happy and not cause her whatsoever injure or distress, she had learned to overlook her own needs and desires, particularly when they conflicted with what she knew her female parent needed.

When Marlene talked about how she had learned to disregard her own wishes and squelch her ain voice, she started to make connections to her behavior with Ben. Her fear of increasing Ben'southward hurt when their needs conflicted, gave style to the idea that mayhap she could talk with Ben most this. She recognized that Ben's reaction when he was hurt was cypher like her mother's intensely distraught response. Possibly, there was a way for them to talk and negotiate and consider both of their needs.

In fact, Ben was surprised to learn that Marlene was scared to assert her needs for fear of hurting him. He told her that even though he felt hurt, he didn't feel she had washed whatever harm to him. He told Marlene that he didn't think he was and then frail. He thought he could try to consider that when she expresses her needs, it didn't have to mean that she was dismissing him. He told her he wanted to keep talking about this. He knew he could get injure hands, but he didn't want it to affect Marlene by causing her to inhibit her thoughts and feelings.

Marlene continues to come to therapy to work on becoming more comfortable expressing her ain thoughts and feelings and dealing with her touch on on those around her. She has gotten much improve at dealing with conflict and asking for what she wants in the earth. She is worrying less virtually being a bad person.  Marlene has become more tolerant of herself and more respectful of her right to say what she wants. She is increasingly able to say no to what someone she cares near wants and adventure the possibility that they will experience injure. As she is able to let fuller expression to her true vocalism, she is feeling less anxious and depressed. She and Ben are doing better at talking with each other and they are much more than able to address the conflicts between their needs in a effective and loving way.

When we become overly interested and vigilant about the impact we take on others and design our behaviors to brand certain they don't have feelings we can't tolerate, nosotros are putting our authentic selves on hold. This deprival of who nosotros are causes us to build up feelings consciously and unconsciously. Preventing ourselves from expressing what we think and feel, and shutting up our truthful selves, puts us at adventure for feet and depression. If we can acquire to become more comfortable with how we impact others, and address what we recollect our touch is, instead of trying to control the other'south feelings, we will be promoting the development of our true selves.

© Copyright 2011 by Past Beverly Amsel, PhD. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.

The preceding article was solely written past the author named above. Whatever views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns near the preceding article can exist directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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